Saturday, August 11, 2007
(Quietly, introspectively, as I sit here in the night, writing this story, may I be reminded that this is Your story of glory and of triumph, of how You have redeemed this person from a life of depression and doom that she seems to be destined to. This story is inspired by You, for You. May it bring You all the glory only You deserve. Amen.)
Allow me to introduce myself – I am Esther Marikea Tan Su Cheng. To some of you, I may be an unfamiliar face while to some others, you may know that I’ve been a part of the Forerunner/ AMKMC family for the past 3 years and you have been witnesses and partners to my journey here on earth. For that I give thanks to God for you have been such an integral part of my journey that I cannot do without.
I am here today to share with you the story of the past months of my life and I pray that through the sharing, you may be encouraged, wherever you may be in your walk with God right now, I stand here to testify that God is good and His perfect plans for you will come to pass.
This will be the first time I’m sharing this and it is difficult because it is not something I want to be talking about or to associate with me. I fear what you would think of me if I were to be so honest and transparent with you, especially if you do not know me well…Yet I must persevere and acknowledge where I come from, for it is by doing this that I bring glory to the One who has brought me out of the miry clay unto the sunshiny path I now walk on.
Let’s go back to 2001, after a failed attempt to pass my A-levels with flying colors so I may gain entry to the local university. I was despondent and felt that my life was over because I couldn’t “right the wrong” by getting myself to the university. I felt utterly lost and didn’t know what was to become of me.
I couldn’t eat, I couldn’t sleep and I was diagnosed with clinical depression. Not long after, I was admitted to the hospital when the doctor deemed me too dangerous to be left on my own after I cut myself with a penknife.
There began the yearly admissions to the hospital because I got too suicidal to be without medical attention. It seemed like a never-ending cycle and a pattern of sorts that I had developed for myself.
I thought the breakthrough came in 2004 when I wasn’t admitted for the whole year and that I had found a job in spite declaring that I had depression on the application form. I thought that it was to be the year I would be healed from depression and the hospital admissions and the medication, but it was not to be for in late 2005, I was admitted to the hospital yet again.
And lesser than six months later, in 2006, I was hospitalized yet again for two weeks. I was working full-time at that time and I was also struggling with many issues which coupled with work stress, saw me taking a cocktail of medication one night because I wanted a good night’s rest which I wasn’t getting.
During the two weeks in the hospital, I rested well and in the second week, I had made friends with two other patients and by His grace, I was actually encouraging them and praying with them. That helped me see that in spite of my brokenness, God had His use and plans for me.
Fast forward to 2007, I was going through yet another slump in my life where I was jobless and all the interviews I attended essentially told me that it would not be possible for me to get hired because of my less-than-illustrious employment history. I was very depressed and was convinced that I was never going to get a job for the rest of my life.
After yet another depressive episode late at night, Jingting and Liwei spent the next day with me as I went for my appointments at the hospital and came over to my place to pray with me about the concerns I had about my future. And I know that they were not the only ones to pray that night.
What happened next is nothing short of a miracle – Jingting emailed me a link to a job site where I submitted my resume to an agency. The very next morning, I received a call from the agency to attend an interview! The interview went well and I went home happy.
While waiting for the result to that interview, the same agency called me to try for another job. She gave me the contact to the company and asked that I call the company right away. So I rung up the company and was asked about myself and I was quite sure that the person on the other line wasn’t quite paying attention to what I said. It was a relief actually because I had just woken up not too long before the call!
I was to start work two days later, but I wasn’t too keen as it was an administrative position. Now, if there’s something you need to know about me, it is the fact that I don’t like to do administrative work. Yes, I know it’s inevitable in every position that there is some administrative work involved, and I’m perfectly fine with that. Please, just don’t ask me to do solely that!
I started work two days later, not quite knowing what to expect, but as the days unfolded, I began to see why God had placed me there. I later learnt that my resume had been picked out of a handful submitted and the colleague who picked out my resume didn’t even look through it; she just went by her intuition.
My boss who conducted the phone interview with me, didn’t quite pay attention to what I was babbling over the phone either. If this wasn’t by His divine doing, I wouldn’t know what else to call it!
What is more divine is that I have a boss who also recognizes that God has a purpose for both of us while we are working together and she has recently committed to be my mentor for the next year! I have learnt lots of things from her and she has also given me many opportunities to do so many different things that I would not be given an opportunity to do elsewhere.
Besides that, she has also been a spiritual guide who would not hesitate to give me tough love if the situation calls for it. She has also been God’s voice in reminding me that I have a great destiny in Him and that my role in life is not that of a person who suffers from depression for the rest of her life.
For the first time in my life, I see a future for me, one that is full of light, purpose and endless possibilities. I no longer have to enchain myself to the limitations of my mind because I’ve seen Him work in my life! Every step I take now is one that will count toward my future and I see everyday with a greater sense of meaning than I ever used to.
I’ve also recognized strongholds in my mind that needs to be torn down because they were stopping me from fulfilling my purpose for Him. I believe that the evil one tries so hard to trap me with his lies because he knows God has a great purpose for me and he feels threatened by it. If he is able to trap me with his lies, I will be one less force to reckon with.
I may still be on medication for depression, I may still have issues I need to work out, His purpose for me remains unchanged. I may not be able to figure out where His big picture will be leading me to, His purpose for me remains unchanged.
What I do know is this – I will be faithful to every little thing He has called me to so it will build character for where He is leading me. I will be His light unto the world so that others may see Him in me and give glory to Him in the highest. I will stand and testify of His love for me that has never once failed.
Here my story ends, for now. Join me as my journey continues to unfold; I promise excitement and things you never imagined possible happening because I have seen it and tasted it for myself.
In case you are wondering, yes, I’m back for good. I’ve disappeared for the earlier part of this year because I held a grudge against a sister in church. By His grace yet again, we’ve reconciled and I’ve also learnt the importance of bringing up issues early instead of allowing the evil one to use it to sow discord especially between sisters and brothers-in-Christ!
