ForeRunner Retreat 2008 will mark the 4th retreat I’ve attended since joining the zone in 2004. Thanks to God for His faithfulness and love in guiding me through these years and for using each retreat to speak to me powerfully. This year, as part of the Retreat Com, I was privy to the trailer of the curriculum we were using this year – Driven by Eternity during one of the meetings held at Adrian’s place.
I remember my reaction to the wonderfully produced video was, “Wah…so serious ah?” Serene’s response was, “Yes, this is a serious topic.” After that, I was left pondering what I had seen earlier and that stirred my heart to be excited to receive what God had prepared to speak to me through the retreat.
Let me backtrack a little to weeks before the retreat. I have just started a new job in social services and I’m certain God has called me here. (That’s another story for another time…)
While excited that I’m here serving where God has put in my heart since yonks ago, friends around me have also started on other journeys in their life such as pursuing a degree, getting attached/married, starting a new job, etc.
To be very honest, as I look at these friends, I felt that God has forgotten about me while He is moving everyone forward rapidly. As these friends moved on more, I felt that God has left me behind everyone else even further. And thus the instinct to compare myself with these friends so I don’t feel so bad about where I am started growing within me...
Fast forward to the FR retreat held at the Girls’ Brigade Retreat Centre this year. So, the week prior to the retreat was super busy and packed with endless things to complete, hence not much time devoted to preparing me spiritually for the retreat except for a quick prayer now and then. Even the morning before the check-in time, I was at work, alone in the centre where I worked because the rest of the team was busy at an external event.
The morning itself was busy as I was busy with work, and busy writing the skit for the Retreat Committee’s item for Worship Extravaganza. In the end, I was later than I thought I would be and most certainly, that did not start things on a good note for me. However, I prayed that God would take away the feelings of unsettledness within me so I could be fresh and ready to receive what He wants to say to me.
Even though the teachings by John Bevere spoke to my heart and reminded me to look at my life differently, in my heart, I felt strangely distant from the Lord even though I was at the retreat to encounter Him. Besides being physically tired, I could not understand why I was
feeling so detached from God.
During the Spiritual Formation on Monday morning led by Adrian, I was journaling down some thoughts about my current relationship status – Single. I wrote the following down in my journal:“Lord, I cannot believe that You will bring me a man who will meet my
needs…” (Underlined and bolded for emphasis).
When I read the words I wrote, I froze immediately. Suddenly, it became so very apparent that I’ve really been very self-absorbed! Read those words again and tell me you don’t agree. I’m
certain you’ll agree with me what I’ve written will sound like I’m expecting God to meet my desires to meet a man who will meet my needs. Who am I but a little being on this vast
universe? Compared to the Almighty Creator, who am I?
What a self-centered and self-serving person I’ve become indeed, expecting that God will meet my demands as if I deserved it! I thank God that He is also a merciful and loving God who did not choose to terminate my existence here on this earth following such pride! Immediately, I prayed for forgiveness and turned to Psalm 51:
1
Have mercy upon me, O God,
According to Your lovingkindness;
According to the multitude of Your tender mercies,
Blot out my transgressions.
2
Wash me thoroughly from my iniquity,
And cleanse me from my sin.
3
For I acknowledge my transgressions,
And my sin is always before me.
4
Against You, You only, have I sinned,
And done this evil in Your sight—
That You may be found just when You speak,[a]
And blameless when You judge.
And,
10
Create in me a clean heart, O God,
And renew a steadfast spirit within me.
11
Do not cast me away from Your presence,
And do not take Your Holy Spirit from me.
12
Restore to me the joy of Your salvation,
And uphold me by Your generous Spirit.
13
Then I will teach transgressors Your ways,
And sinners shall be converted to You.
Indeed, I prayed that He would forgive my transgressions and forgive me for I had sinned greatly against Him and Him alone. I prayed that He would restore to me the joy of His salvation so I may teach transgressors His ways and then, sinners will be converted to Him.
However, if I thought God was done with me, I was wrong because He certainly had a greater message in store for me during the Praise and Worship session led by Davinia. During the session, Adrian gave an altar call and I went up to receive prayer.
Through Adrian, God told me to stop comparing myself with others. Whatever glories He has given them, it is theirs alone. He has a unique plan for me and I just need to trust Him. He is my Jesus and no one can change that. I was also told to stay obedient to what He wants so He can bring me further.
Those very words spoke to my heart and tears started flowing uncontrollably. As I sat there meditating and reflecting, I heard God asking me – Why are you rejecting My love for you? I
cried even more as I recalled one of the passages covered during the teaching taken from Hebrews 4:6:
6 if they fall away,[a] to renew them again to repentance, since they crucify again for
themselves the Son of God, and put Him to an open shame.
With each comparison I made, I was telling God that His dying on the cross was not good enough for me. With each comparison I made, I was sending Jesus back to the cross to be crucified again and again and again and again and again. With each comparison I made, I was telling the world that whatever Jesus did on the cross was not enough.
With each comparison I made, I was telling God He didn’t know any better than I. With each comparison I made, I was telling God that He doesn’t know what’s best for me. With each
comparison I made, I was putting myself in God’s position, much like Lucifer who thought he could make a better God.
As I meditated some more, I realized that these seeds of comparison had so insidiously taken root in my heart and I had failed to notice how serious it had become. Our enemy does work
in ways like these and I cannot give him too much credit for what I’m responsible for as well. Though I had been prompted to study His Word seriously and to spend time growing in His Word daily, I have become like the analogy I used in my sharing with others – getting changed and ready to go for a run but I ended up sleeping instead.
God also further revealed to me that these seeds of comparison had given birth to the fruit of envy and jealousy of others. With that fruit, it has choked up my ability to be loving towards others and sharing in and rejoicing with each step in life they had made. I had become selfish and self-centered and self-serving which is the total opposite of the fruits of the Spirit God had told me to cultivate.
With that revelation still fresh in my mind, I renewed my commitment to spend time studying His Word daily and to continuously reject any thought of comparison that comes up in my mind, and instead, to counter those thoughts with things that are pure, noble and good as instructed by God in Philippians 4:8.
Through the many teaching sessions, God stirred my heart to be a true Disciple of Christ so I can make a different for Him in the world and I want to be that ForeRunner for the Lord! I am committed to taking my walk with Him seriously because His warnings for those lukewarm
believers are severe. And because heaven is far more wonderful than my human comprehension allows, I want to be there in heaven to see for myself what it is like! To ensure I get there, I have to start right here, right now and to obey everything He has told me to do!
I’m also heartened to hear of the many testimonies shared during the retreat about how God has spoken to my fellow brothers and sisters-in-Christ to make the changes in their lives. I pray that we will all continue to spur each other onto greater faith and obedience in Him, and not just allow ourselves to return to our former older habits in the weeks to come.
I trust that the Lord will continue molding the hearts of fellow Forerunners so we can truly become people who will bring glory to the Lord with each thing we do so others may see His
works in us and praise our Father in heaven. Most importantly, as each of us rise up to the unique calling God has given to each of us, may we impact lives of the pre-believers in the world around us, and the lives of our lukewarm brothers and sisters so we can truly approach the throne of our God in the judgment day with boldness and hope, and confident of where we will spend eternity.
Eternity begins right here, right now!
Journeying with you in Christ,
Esther Marikea
29 Oct 08
